Tell Me Your Story and Find Yourself in the Process

 "You can't know who you are unless you know how to tell your story." David Brooks

Photo by Mike Erskine on Unsplash

Our humanity is not defined by a set of propositions that we hold. We are more than a sum of our beliefs or positions. While few would disagree with this, most act as if it were true. 

We ask people what they think about a subject rather than how the topic has impacted their lives. We probe to understand the nuance of their beliefs, as if doing so will open their hearts up to us and allow us to know them deeply. Our beliefs are important and our positions represent our moral compass and the values we live by. But they don't lead to intimacy. 

In David Brook's latest book, "How to Know a Person," he talks about this reality and a change he has made in how he talks with people, "I'm no longer content to ask, 'What do you think about X?' Instead, I ask, 'How did you come to believe X?' This is a framing that invites people to tell a story about what events led them to think the way they do. Similarly, I don't ask people to tell me about their values; I say, 'Tell me about the person who shaped your values most.' That prompts a story."

As I reflect on David's assertion, I am drawn to ask, "What are the skills I need to tell my story well?" I would like to propose a few skills that are critical to being able to tell your story . . . and thus know yourself in a deeper way. 

1. Generosity: No one would tell personal details about themselves unless they fundamentally believe that it is an act of kindness to share your experiences freely with those who will listen. A generous spirit allows someone to share deep and personal things with a confidence that the benefit will outweigh any danger of betrayal, criticism or scorn. 
2. Reflection: To tell your story, you need to be skilled in reflection. You have to sit with your life and ask yourself hard questions. You must be able to take the insights you gain and extract meaning from them that you can then pass to others. 
3. Communication: The telling itself requires skills. Not everyone can simply share their story in a compelling, integrated and clear way. It takes practice and it takes learning how to engage an audience with the story in all its aspects. 

A generous person who is disciplined in reflection and equipped to communicate will be ready to tell their story when the moment is right. Are you building up the skills you need to bless others with your story and to find greater meaning and fulfillment in the telling of it?